QueerQissa.blog

What a horrible question to begin a conversation with! And this question has always made me uncomfortable.

When you go online, find someone interesting, start a conversation, and exchange the superficial pleasantries, the first set of questions you face are the – “How are you?”, “Where are you?” or “How is it going?”

What follows is my nightmare — the question I dread the most: How do you identify?

I DON’T KNOW! Seriously, man! I don’t know!

And yet, what’s expected of you is a neat, polished, ready-to-go answer. That’s how it works!

Why does one have to find a suitable label – top, bottom, vers, gay, bi, side, masc, femme, discreet, open – and then proceed? But what if I have a problem with most of these identities? What if I say it also depends on you?

Let me explain.

I am gay. That’s a 100% done deal – nothing questionable there.

However, when the “itch” set in, I tried both the sexes. I’ve been with women. I’ve had deep connections with them. I’ve been aroused by women – more so in the past, nil in the present. So during the early days of me “trying stuff,” I never held a man’s you-know-what in my hand. Maybe because of the conditioning of our brains due to societal norms, I was this manly man who would penetrate – but wouldn’t kiss or go down there.

Things changed over time. The desires we feel in us are not always the same. They’re like a river – flowing, taking turns, changing course, sometimes turbulent, composed otherwise.

Men of different hues came into my life. They taught me things. They helped me evolve. And then one fine day – voilà – I  was kissing men, holding you-know-what, and willing to get penetrated too, if he (khwabon ka shehzada) comes along!

Now, it all depends! I can fall for a man’s scent, his softness, his strength — all in different combinations, on different days.

And trust me when I say this — I am not alone. I have seen enough men out there. I have seen “straights” straying into homosexuality, by chance (let’s give them the benefit of the doubt for once)! I’ve seen tops falling for other tops and crying like babies to be with them. I have seen ‘straight’ army-men actively seeking rimming.

And why should I even push others’ examples? The best experience I ever had was with a top. It simply was because of the way he handled me. There are men who make me want to take control. Some awaken a craving to surrender. Some I want to kiss gently, others I want to ruin. And some – I just want to lie beside them, feel their warmth, and let desire bloom without planning where it goes.

Does that make me a top? A bottom? A vers? A side?

Over time, all those boundaries I had set in place have softened. My body began to unlearn the shame I didn’t know I was carrying. I learned to enjoy giving — not because I had to, but because I wanted to. I learned how to taste without guilt, to take someone in fully, to feel power and tenderness in the same breath. Now? I can suck you-know-what like a fucking pro. And I say that with pride — not because it’s a skill, but because it’s a freedom I didn’t always have.

So, how do I identify?

I don’t know. I really don’t. And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe it’s not about finding the perfect label, but about giving myself permission to be — whatever I am, whoever I’m with, wherever my body and heart lead me.

I don’t need a checkbox. I need space.

Space to feel, to fuck, to love, to pull back, to dive deep. Space to change my mind. Space to say “yes” today and “not now” tomorrow. Space to accept that I’m still becoming.

I am a man who likes men. Sometimes I lead. Sometimes I follow. Sometimes I crave intimacy. Sometimes I want rawness. Sometimes I don’t want anything. And sometimes, I surprise myself.

So, the next time someone asks me, “How do you identify?”, maybe I’ll just say:

“Honestly? I’m still figuring it out.”

And that would be the most honest answer of all.